MOBILE

HA!! Now I can forward text messages directly to my blog!! The potential for embarassment is endless!!!

And it doesn't post right away...so I have backup storage for all my texts.

(maybe I shouldn't publicize this......)

MOONWALK

This morning, I had the radio on and there was a tribute to Michael Jackson. So I looked his music up on Rhapsody.

As I was looking at the song titles, something hit me. And in a Kaiser Soze Usual Suspects kind of way, I came up

with the following:

"The night started out as innocently as a night out for me can be. I saw her at the bar and said "say say say how

are you tonight?" First she seemed cold, distant, as if she was in the closet. I thought she was gonna say leave

me alone, but no she said somethjing along the lines of "the way you make me feel..." I told her "You rock my

world" and we headed back to the crib.

This morning was a thriller. Woke up next to a PYT after a night where we didn't stop till we got enough. The

pictures even fell off the wall. Definitely lived up to her name...Dirty Diana. She was in a bad mood, like she

wanna be startin somethin', so I beat it to the shower. Went back to my room and she was gone, and my TV. What a

smooth criminal.

Damn! Bitch took my TV. What more can I give? Glad she's out of my life.

So I called Billie Jean at the office and told her I'll be late."

RULES

The Rules:

RULE 1:
THOU SHALT NOT knowingly become involved with someone who is involved with someone else.

RULE 2:
THOU SHALT NOT become involved with anyone in the workplace.

RULE 3:
THOU SHALT NOT become involved with anyone of an age which is young enough that, in theory, thou could have created.

RULE 4:
THOU SHALT NOT become involved with anyone who is overly possessive, controlling, demanding, lacking in affection or attempts to makest thou feel inferior

RULE 5:
THOU SHALT NOT become the "convenient booty call"

THOU MAY make exception to the rules in cases where thine eyes or smile makes thou melt.

PROFILE

Another classic....


Seeing as my personal; status is now "Divorced", I decided to
test the waters and meet some new people. That's right....I
decided to try online dating......

Cheap bastard that I am, I went to one of those free sites, read
a bunch of profiles and noticed a few things:

Now that I've been on here a while, there's a few things I've
noticed........common threads among the profiles I read.......:

1. A lot of people love to laugh, and have fun. Do you really
   expect someone not to?
2. Everyone's nice: Why do I say that? Because they say so in
   their profile. I'm still waiting for the one that says "I'm an
   absolute b**ch...."
3. No liars: If someone's a liar, do you really expect them to
   admit it? Or is it possible that's why they're called liars?
4. No cheats: See #3 above.
5. Someone who knows the value of hard work: Seriously?
   Does it matter that much how a man achieves success?
6. Search on income level: Materialistic much? And do you
   really expect someone to answer this truthfully? We might end
   up having trouble with the taxman.....
7. Good moral values: Still waiting for the one who says "I
   have no sense of values, morals or ethics...."
8. Check your spelling: There's a big difference
   between "moral values" and "morale values" (I guess those are
   values related to your happiness?)
9. Must have a photo to contact this user: Either they're
   hung up on looks, or they want to make sure they're not trying
   to date their neighbor, ex, dad, professor or maybe even
   priest......
10. Must not be looking for Friends: So are you looking for
    enemies?
    

What I find really amusing is how many people attempt to put
their best foot forward......and fail miserably. A few words of
advice for the ladies......

1. Action photos are great, so long as we can see who you are.
2. If your only picture is a group shot, please caption it so we
   know which person in the photo is you. Not doing so could make
   for an awkward situation......
3. If your photo involves a trailer, not of the travel or
   conatruction/temporary classroom variety, you may want to crop
   or consider another photo. There are many negative stereotypes
   out there.
4. If you have a picture with a car, make it a special car. A
   picture with an old muscle car shows an interest, a hobby. A
   picture with a hoopdee Corolla....not so much.
5. Boobs: Every guys favorite subject. Now, I know many
   popular women's fashions invilve some form of cleavage.
   However, when you're bent forward at an almost 90 degree
   angle, it's obvious you're trying to show them off. And there are
   a lot of pervs out there.

It also seems like there are a few "must have" photos that everyone should have:

1. A photo while driving the car, taken by yourself.
2. A photo taken in the bathroom mirror. Bonus points if we can see the camera or the flash obscures the shot.
3. A photo with another family member.
4. A photo taken at a bar, so we'll think you're a fun person.
5. The gratuitous boob shot(s). See #5 above.

So tomorrow, I re-write my profile, and spell it out for y'all.

PRICELESS

One of my classics, from last Fall......

---

You know those credit card commercials? What if Sterling
Cooper had the account? What would they come up with
after a night of drinking?

Would it be something like this?

• Flowers -- $20


• Candles -- $ 10


• Nice Italian meal from the place around the corner,
  warming in the oven so you can take credit for it -- $60


• 2 Bottles of Three Buck Chuck -- $6


• Tequila for after dinner shots -- $30


• Barry White CD -- $12


• Trojans (Costco size box) -- $14

Getting to know the nice lady that just moved in around the
corner.......Priceless!!!

GENERIC

Does anyone remember the generic products that were big in the late 70's and early 80's? Plain white labels that briefly stated what the product was..."CARROTS", "PEAS", "BEER", etc.

Well, not only are they back, but this one takes the concept just a little too far......

RETURN REDUX

OK, so it took a little longer than planned for our return. Beginning 4/1/2009, some of the classics will be reposted, and some new content will be added.

Until then, readers, please help me to decide my newest tagline. Here are the choices:

1. Common Discourtesy.......a ridiculous way for a grown man to act.
   
2. How a young man gonna take care of his financial responsibilities workin' at motherfuckin' Burger King?


3. The rants of a middle-aged curmudgeon


4. I don't know....it just happens sometimes